Walking by a hospice room, I noticed an elderly woman, reaching through the side rails of the bed in which her husband of 62 years was dying. She was understandably in pain as she stroked his hand and spoke softly, tho he was already in his final coma.
I instinctively walked in and asked her is she needed to climb onto bed and hold her husband – spoon him – one last time. Her face lit up as she exclaimed, “Oh, yes!”
These were his final hours of life, their final hours as a couple.
This last memory is important, and with this ‘permission’,
she was able to hold the love of her life as he died,
and he was embraced by her love as he died.
What could be better? A bittersweet but important memory.
We often forget how important touch is, how important it is to hold our loved ones near the end. Sometimes it’s fear of hurting that person or a fear that embracing may be considered inappropriate at this time. In healthcare we need to actively normalize it, encourage it if comfortable for both parties. It’s calming and can provide a sense of ultimate peace.
It is is a more common practice to encourage parents to hold their dying baby.
But I have to say, that if it’s my 63 year old son who is dying,
that’s still my baby.
I need to hold him. I want to be supported by staff to make it possible to hold him as long as he is comfortable with that. Move the pillows, arrange any tubes. This intimate and sacred time will never be repeated.
Encourage touching, holding, talking. In the end, for both people,
this may be the most healing activity we can render.